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Funny stories

Here we are, the funniest bits of Runrig which sadly do not have pictures to go along with them please feel free to submit an amusing story you have. So long as it's funny and Runrig related this is where you'll find it.

Before a gig at the Glasgow Barrowlands Rory went into Bairds Bar and had a look at the line of malt whiskies on the top shelf.
"I'll have a dram of that one, that one, that one and that one" said Rory to the barman.
The barman poured out each one and put the four glasses in a line on the counter. In quick succession Rory tipped each one back.
"You're in a hurry aren't you, pal" said the barman to Rory.
"You'd be in a hurry if you had what I had" said Rory.
"What's that" said the barman.
"No money" said Rory!
from stevie_celt

When Brian was on work experience he was employed with a painter and decorator. The first job on the Monday morning was at a local millionaire's house.
"Right, Brian" said his boss "Nice easy job for you, go round the front of the house and paint the porch".
A couple of hours later Brian returned, the white paint splashed over him.
"I'm finished, boss" he said proudly.
"I can see that" said the boss.
"Just one thing though" said Brian.
"What's that" said the boss.
"It wasn't a Porshe it was a BMW"!
from stevie_celt

1991, on the road on the gruelling Big Wheel tour. Iain is wondering why there aren't any stewardesses on the coach, Malcolm is trying to disentangle his hair from his bagpipes, Calum is spooking everyone out by dramatically chanting his part of Siol Ghoriadh every time they enter a tunnel, Peter is drawing out plans for his next 20 haircut variations and Rory and Donnie are quietly arguing over whether or not 'Ghostbusters' by Ray Parker Jr really should be included in the acoustic set.

Struck by the boredom of the scene, Peter decides he wants to keep up with what is going on in the world and suggests they invest in a TV when they stop at Hamburg for a couple of gigs and a weekend of R and R.
"Now that's a good idea," Rory says. "Who wants to go out and get it?"
Iain volunteers, and is given a wad of cash for him to take to an electricals store that afternoon. After the soundcheck he marches off, enters an electricals store, selects a shiny product of his choice and approaches the checkout.
"Sorry," the cashier says. "We don't serve drummers."
Iain is stunned but assumes the man at the till has seen the tour bus outside.
"Is it because you don't like Runrig's music?" Iain asks.
"Not at all, it's just that I don't serve drummers."
"Fine," Iain says, and strides out, without a TV. He comes back a few minutes later, hair dyed black and wearing Donnie's leather jacket. He picks up the same box and approaches the til, convinced that this time he'll be able to walk back to the others with a shiny new telly.
"Sorry," he is told. "We don't serve drummers."
Next he comes back with a long fake beard and Malcolm's guitar slung over his shoulder.
"Sorry, sir, I don't serve drummers."
Getting desperate, Iain dons a chequered shirt and strolls in with a bass guitar to try again. No luck at all. He is about to go back and borrow Peter's sunglasses and jacket but decides to give up.
"Alright, look," he sighs as he addresses the cashier. "I've come in here as a vocalist, guitarist, percussionist and bass player, just trying to buy this television. How on earth do you know I'm a drummer after all that?"
"Because that," the cashier says, gesturing to the package in Iain's arms, "is a microwave".
from stevie_celt

When Malcolm returned home after his first ever visit to London all the villagers turned out to see him wanting to know how he'd got on.
"Did you like it" they asked.
"It was no a bad city" said Malcolm.
"And the people, what were the people like" they asked.
"Well" said Malcolm "The people around the city were okay but the people in my hotel weren't very friendly at all".
"What do you mean" they asked.
"They kept shouting all night and banging on my door till four in the morning" said Malcolm.
"And what did you do" said the villagers.
"Oh, I just ignored them" said Malcolm "And carried on playing my bagpipes"!
from stevie_celt

Having not done a gig for twelve months, and being short of money, Runrig decide to go into Glasgow and rob a bank. As they are leaving the Clydesdale with their guns and loot they look in horror as police cars and armed officers come running down the street towards them. At this the lads throw their loot and guns over a wall.
"Act normal" said Rory "If they ask our names make one up, they'll never think it was us"
"What names" asks Callum."
"Anything" said Rory.
"I know" said Callum "We'll use the names of shops along the street".
The police come charging towards them.
"PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR" shouts the armed officer.
"It wasn't us, the robbers went that way" said Callum.
"I don't believe you" said the officer "What are your names".
"WH Smith" said Rory.
"John Menzies" said Callum.
"I'm FW Woolworth" said Malcolm
"Mark Spencer" said Brian.
Bruce stood there frozen in fear unable to think of a name.
"And what about you my friend" said the officer "What is your name"
"Err, Kentucky Fried Chicken" said Bruce.
from stevie_celt

Iain's Wider Reading

So it's late one night as the Proterra recording comes to an end. Calum has just been enthusiastically explaining more about the meaning of Faileas Air An Airigh and its connections to culture and history in the islands.

Iain is suitably enthralled. "Wow," he says. "This is really interesting stuff. Where can I learn more?"
"There's a good book I can recommend," Rory suggests.
Iain draws back. "Not much of reader, though. I've not read a proper book for years!"
Malcolm is shocked. "How's that? Look, I'll tell you what. Go get yourself the first book you can find and read it cover to cover. Come back in two weeks when we do the overdubs for Faileas and I bet you'll be raring to read all Rory's books!"
Iain accepts the challenge and goes on his way.

14 days later he strides back into the recording studio interrupting Calum's latest attempt to re-curl his hair, holding the book he chose.
"Sorry, Malcolm," he says. "I hated it. It had too many characters. It was far too long. It had no plot and it was a pain in the neck to carry around with me. It didn't have any interesting pictures, and above all it was the most repetetive thing I've ever seen." Malcolm opens his mouth to speak but is interrupted by Bruce coming in.
"Ah," says the lead singer as he sees Iain. "There's the Yellow Pages!"
from Adam

Stirling Castle, 2003: The band are tuning up and about to do the soundcheck. Rory, however, is having a bad day. Fresh out of chequered shirts and unable to remember the bass chords for Proterra, he is fed up with what he sees to be the idleness around the place when they are just about to give a landmark concert. Deciding that the idle days are over, he strides purposefully onto the stage and announces that anyone seen slacking will be fired immediately. He notices a bored-looking young person wandering around the drums and walks up to them.

"Right, then!" he snaps. "How much are you getting paid for doing what you're doing now?"

The young man coolly replies, "£200 a week. Why?"

Rory cuts him off and hands him £400 in cash. "That's a fortnight's pay. Now clear off and don't come back!"

The young chap is taken aback, but accepts the money and departs as ordered.

Feeling satisfied with his no-nonsense approach, Rory turns victoriously to the rest of the band, who are sharing a pizza for lunch.

"Right then," he says. "What job did that slacker do, anyway?"

The band exchange awkward glances. Eventually Iain clears his throat. "Aye," the drummer replies. "He delivered the pizza."
from Adam

1991, in a plane approaching Benbecula. To cut down on cost, the band have decided to fly in Iain Bayne's special plane to play the gig in the airport hangar. Donnie is at the controls, while the others are relaxing ahead of the gig. Peter is singing 'Flower of Scotland' in his sleep, Iain is feeling hot and trying to open the window, Calum is testing out his new sunglasses, Rory is arguing with Donnie about what kind of animal Goofy is, and Malcolm is trying to find his guitar, last seen in his hair. Also with the band is the son of a friend of the band, Jack, who goes to school on Barra and has agreed to come direct from school over to see the concert that night.

Suddenly, there's a problem. Donnie calls into the back, "Hey fellas, which one of you was supposed to refuel the plane?"
A very awkward silence follows. "I only ask because we've just run out and are plummeting towards the ground at full speed."
Shock ensues. A mad scramble for the parachutes is made, only to discover that there are only six for the seven of them.
Donnie leaps from the cockpit and grabs a pack. "I'm the lead singer," he says, "I have to survive," and so away he goes.
Rory grabs the next one. "But he's useless without my backing vocals on Every River!" he cries, and jumps after Donnie.
Peter follows. "Who else will be the rock star in the Commons?" and as everyone nods in agreement, he departs.
With three left, Iain grabs the nearest pack and addresses the other three people. "Let's face it," he says. "Siol Ghoraidh would never have made it onto Searchlight unless I'd thought of the drum shuffle- you owe it to me- and besides, if Calum was a good drummer you wouldn't have hired me". And before they can protest, he leaps out of the plane.
Calum is grievously insulted. "I'll teach him!" he hisses, dons his trendy sunglasses and follows Iain.
Malcolm and Jack are the only ones left. Malcolm looks sadly over at Jack. "You have your whole life ahead of you," he says. "You jump. I'll stay here and bravely play Solus Na Madainn until I can no more! Who knows, maybe my hair will break my fall."
"That's very noble of you," Jack says. "But you needn't worry. No-one noticed, but Donnie actually grabbed my rucksack before he jumped."
from Adam

Now a story from me. Just before the stamping ground tour last year I was having a chat with a friend over the phone. The subject was of course Runrig as she was coming to the gig in Falkirk with me. The subject had changed quickly to Runrig without my realising and I was still thinking of what we were talking about beforehand (my goldfish). I had commented that I had a goldfish called Bruce and added as an afterthought "there's a Bruce in Runrig too". My friend asked which one was Bruce (meaning of course, what does Bruce do in the band?). I replied with... "Bruce is the huge fat, red one with the long white tail." Left my friend wondering just what plays the role of lead singer in Runrig. Also remember a friend of mine naming 6 lillies after Runrig members she came on the phone to me one time declaring that Rory was now growing an extra head. (took me a while to realise it was the lilly version she was talking about.
from Crunchie