What's the difference between a MacDonalds hamburger and a drummer???
-There's more brain in the MacDonalds hamburger - Crunchie

What lives in an Earth is it

A. A fox B. A Rabbit C. A badger D. A cukoo

Rory takes 50:50 and is left with answer A and D. Still not quite knowing the answer he decides to ring his bud Iain. After explaining the question Iain says very confidently. "It's a fox Rory". Rory isn't sure but instead asks Iain if he's 100% sure. Iain replies "I'm positive Rory, it must be a fox coz a cukoo lives in a clock!" - Crunchie

Iain walks into a practise session rubbing his arm.
Bruce asks him what's the matter....quite fearful that it could be serious and he might have to take over on "hat duty"!
"It's not funny," replies the talented gent, "I think I've got piles!"
To which Bruce looks puzzled.
Callum steps in, "Don't worry Bruce, it's not that bad, Iain just doesn't know his arse from his elbow mate!" -Sue Baru

what do you call someone who hangs around with musicians???

-yes you guessed it, a drummer. - Catmac

What do you call a drummer with half a brain???

- Gifted! -Astrid

Ever the conscientious motorist; Iain is driving home one winters evening flashing his lights and gesticulating wildly at the lorry in front. Eventually it stops and the driver gets out.
"Thank God you stopped mate" says a frantic Mr. Bayne, "I've been trying to stop you for the last 10 miles! You've been spilling your load all over the road!"
To which the lorry driver replies "I'm supposed to mate, I'm the council gritter!" -Sue Baru

How can you tell when a drummer is at your door???
-He's late, the knock speeds up and he never comes in when you ask him. Oh ya, and when he does he's got nothing on but a Santa hat and he wants your Whiskey! - Bruce Guthro

What's the best way to confuse a drummer???

- Put a sheet of music in front of him - Astrid

What's the last thing a drummer says in a band???

- "hey guys, why don't we try one of my songs?" - Astrid

What's the difference between a drum machine and a drummer???

- You only have to punch the information into the drum machine once! -Astrid

What's a curtain & a drummer got in common???

-They always look half shut - Fran

How do you make a drummer laugh on Friday???

-Tell him a joke on Tuesday - Crunchie

How many jokes are there bout our beloved drummer???

- one, the rest are true stories! - Crunche

A guy walks into a shop.
"You got one of them Marshall Hiwatt AC30 amplificatior thingies and a Gobson StratoBlaster geetar with a Fried Rose tremulo?"
"You're a drummer, aren't you?"
"Duh, yeah. How'd you know?"
"This is a travel agency" - Wiebke

"Psst! Down here!

They both look down and see a frog sitting beside the road. The frog says to them "Hey if you kiss me I'll turn into a world famous drummer and make you both rich and famous!" The two girls looked at each other, and one of them reached down and grabbed the frog and stuffed it in her pocket. The other girl said "What did you do that for?"
The first replied "I'm not stupid. I know a talking frog is worth heaps more than a famous drummer any day!" - Astrid

Johnny (or Iain??) says to his Mom: I want to be a drummer when I grow up!
Mom: But Johnny, you can't do both

Mr. B walks into a pet shop and says to the owner,
"I'd like a wasp please!"
"We don't sell wasps!" says a rather annoyed owner!
"WELL YOU'VE GOT ONE IN THE WINDOW!!" Iain shouts!! - Sue Baru

What's the definition of an old drummer???

-A man on a big stool - Dolly

Iain "Wow.That is incredible! I think I'll go back and see if they've got any helicopter flavour!" - David Williams

What is the first thing that buckles on a drummer???

The legs - Madge

a new customer walks into the new store on the block that sells brains. There are three glass cases, each containing a nice wet quivering grey brain. The first one says "Astrophysicist" and it costs ?10.00. The second says "Avon Salesman" and costs ?1000.00 The third says "Drummer" and costs ?10'000.00. The customer is confused and questions the salesperson.
"I don't get it. Why would I want a drummer's brain for ?10'000 when I can get an astrophysicists' for ?10?"
The salesperson replies "because it's never been used." - Astrid

Why do bands need Roadies???

- To translate what the drummer says -Astrid

How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb???

- 5, one to hold the bulb the rest to spin the room around

Picture if you will Bruce, Iain and MALCY!! Discussing the meaning of life, the universe and everything; when all of a sudden Iain jumps up and says, "I wonder what would happen if we stuck a cork up a pigs' arse but still kept feeding it?"

The other two, slightly surprised at this thought from the "drumming one" decide to humour him and go along with it.

Anyway, a few weeks go by and this pig has now got too big for Malcy's shed so they decide the cork will have to come out!

Bruce is adamamnt that he is not doing the deed, Malcolm thinks that he has done enough by letting them use his shed so it's left to Iain.......who, has the idea of training a monkey to remove the cork!!

Well the big day arrives, the monkey is positioned next to the cork, Iain is 2 feet away so he can shout the command, Bruce is 10 feet away and Malcy is a safe 20 feet away!

Iain gives the command........

**** IS FLYING EVERYWHERE!!!!!

Eventually it stops, Malcy is standing up to his knees in it.......

Bruce is up to his waist in it.......

and Iain is up to his neck in it LAUGHING HIS BACK OFF!!! LIKE A MAD EEJIT!!!!!

Malcolm and Bruce wade their way to him..."What the hell's the matter?" says a very surprised(and slightly smelly) Bruce.

"Yeah," says our genius guitar etc etc player "you're up to your neck in **** so what's so funny?"

To which Iain replies.....

"YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THE MONKEY TRYIN' TO PUT THE CORK BACK IN!!!!!!!!!" - Sue Baru

-a theif - Wozzie

-Blow in his ear! - Crunchie

"HOW CAN I GET TO THE OTHER SIDE???"

Iain replies
"YOU ARE ON THE OTHER SIDE"
-Crunchie

How do you make a drummer's eyes light up?

- Shine a torch in his ear. -Adrian

-Dribble comes out of both corners of the drummers mouth!! - Brogue

Well, this goes on for a week until one night there's a blinding flash and a voice booms

FOR ****'S SAKE BAYNE.......CUT ME A BIT OF SLACK AND AT LEAST BUY A BLOODY TICKET! - Sue Baru

-he becomes a conducter! - Wozzie

What's the difference between a gifted, intelligent handsome drummer and the Loch Ness Monster?

- The Loch Ness Monster might exist. - Adrian

Why do Runrig have two drummers?

- To share the blame - Adrian

A drummer dies and goes to Musicians' Heaven. Somewhat surprisingly, they let him in. The angel in charge takes him on a guided tour. People are sitting around on clouds. The angel points to one cloud and says "These are keyboard players". They walk on a bit, and see another cloud "These are bass players"
says the angel. They see more clouds, for sax players, bagpipe players, trumpeters, everybody. Eventually they come up against a huge long wall. "What's the other side of the wall?" asks the drummer. "Ssshhh" says the angel. "That's the Lead Guitarists. They like to think they're the only ones here ....." - Adrian (he say's "sorry Malcom") lol

"I was ironing a shirt when Rory rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."

"Oh Dear!" said the doctor. "But what happened to the other ear?"

"Calum rang straight after". - Adrian

"OK you can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator has to stay!!!" - Crunchie

What's the difference between a drummer and a supermarket trolley?

- Supermarket trolleys have a mind of their own. - Adrian

How can you tell a well-balanced drummer?

- He's got chips on both shoulders. - Adrian

heard backstage; will the musicians and the drummer come on stage please! - Wozzie

Knock on the door!!!- Crunchie

- Shoot one! - Wozzie